DEAR DEIDRE: I AM still having sex with my ex, though we are both with someone new.
I know I should resist but as soon as he is near by, it is like nothing has changed between us. Then he goes off and I cry.
I’d known him through work for years but was in a relationship with my daughter’s dad until three years ago. He was abusive and that ended messily when my daughter was a year old.
The colleague who is now my ex was sweet and understanding. He’d come round some evenings as he knew I was lonely stuck at home with the baby. I grew very fond of him and he was single, then one night sharing a bottle of wine led to us sleeping together.
The sex was magical and he soon moved in with us. My dreams had come true. I am 25, he is 29.
But six months later, his sister was killed in a road accident. They were very close and he didn’t know how to cope with his grief.
It put a terrible strain on our relationship. Around that time, I discovered I was pregnant.
Things went completely downhill and he became abusive mentally and emotionally. He told me he was leaving on the anniversary of his sister’s death and he said there was no going back.
He very quickly found someone else and I have now heard that she is pregnant.
Our son is now 18 months old. My ex said he didn’t want to lose contact with his son but he only ever comes round when our son is in bed.
On my birthday early this year, he came round with flowers and chocolates. I was touched that he had remembered and one thing led to another. We ended up having sex and we have been sleeping together ever since.
I have told him we should stop but he pulls me back. He tells me he never meant to leave me but he is stuck now.
I have started seeing someone else too but I can’t seem to say no to my ex.
I don’t understand why I can’t let him go and why I need him in my life.
IF your sex life could use a refresher, sensate focus exercises develop the sort of sex play most of us try when we are younger but then neglect.
My e-leaflet Sex-Play Therapy explains. Email me for a copy or private message me via Facebook.
DEIDRE SAYS: Both your partners have turned out to be abusive – and to break the pattern, you need to understand why you are attracted to men like that.
Perhaps you were not brought up to value yourself or maybe your mum had an abusive partner. The tricky thing is that these guys can often be charming to start with – and manipulative.
Follow the Freedom Programme to help you break the pattern (freedomprogramme.co.uk).
Tell your ex he can only visit when your son is up and about to play with.
Make it at pre-arranged times that suit you. Be firm that sex between you stops right now.
My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help you stick to your guns.
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